A Parent's Confession - Things I Got Wrong About My Child's Education

In short: This is a confession from a parent who pushed their daughter into Science because it had "scope," compared her marks to relatives' children, spent lakhs on coaching she did not need, and measured love through report cards. The daughter scored 65% in boards, was depressed for a year, then found her passion in Mass Communication and built a career that made her happier than any IIT degree could have. Written as a first-person narrative to be shared in parent WhatsApp groups - because the parents who need this most will not seek it out themselves.

I am not writing this for sympathy. I am writing this because I got it wrong - badly wrong - and I do not want you to make the same mistakes.

My name does not matter. What matters is that I am an Indian parent. I have two children. And the way I handled my older daughter's education is something I think about every single day.

This is what happened. And this is what I wish I had known.

The Mistake That Started Everything

When my daughter was in Class 10, she scored 82% in her boards. Not bad. Not great. Certainly not what I had imagined. She was creative. She loved writing, art, and making little videos on her phone. She spent hours reading novels and watching documentaries.

None of this mattered to me at the time. Because in my mind, there was only one path: Science. PCM or PCB. Preferably engineering or medicine. These were the careers with "scope." Everything else was a risk I was not willing to take with my child's future.

My daughter wanted to take Arts with English and Psychology. She told me clearly, calmly, with reasons. I dismissed it in five minutes. "Arts has no scope." "What will you do with a Psychology degree?" "People will think you took Arts because you could not handle Science."

That last reason - "people will think" - tells you everything about my priorities at that time. I was not making a decision for my daughter. I was making a decision for my social standing.

She took Science. PCM. She did not argue further. She just went quiet.

The Two Years That Followed

Class 11 was a disaster. She went from being a bright, talkative, creative child to someone I barely recognized. She struggled with Physics from the first week. Mathematics felt like a foreign language. She sat at her desk for hours but barely learned anything because she hated what she was studying.

I blamed her. "You are not trying hard enough." "You are spending too much time on your phone." "If you studied as much as you complain, you would be topping."

I enrolled her in coaching classes. ₹45,000 for a year. Then extra tuitions for Physics and Maths. Another ₹8,000 per month. The total: well over a lakh and a half for Class 11 alone.

Her Class 11 results: 54%. Three supplementary exams.

My reaction? Fury. Disappointment. The silent treatment for two days. Then a lecture about how we had "sacrificed" for her education and she was "wasting" it.

Looking back, I want to reach through time and shake myself. My daughter was drowning. And instead of throwing her a lifeline, I was angry that she was not swimming fast enough.

Class 12 - The Breaking Point

Class 12 was worse. She passed her subjects, barely. She studied because she was afraid of my reaction, not because she wanted to learn. The joy she used to have - the excitement about ideas, the creativity - was gone. In its place was a flat, exhausted teenager who avoided eye contact with me.

Board results came: 65%.

I remember the moment clearly. She showed me the marksheet with shaking hands. I looked at the numbers. I looked at her. And I said something I wish I could take back: "All that money on coaching. All that time. This is what you give us?"

She did not cry in front of me. She went to her room. I later learned from her mother that she cried for two hours.

That night, she stopped eating dinner with the family. That continued for three weeks.

What I Did Not See

What I did not see, because I was too focused on the marks, was this:

My daughter was depressed. Not "sad about results" depressed. Clinically depressed. She had stopped talking to her friends. She had stopped drawing, which she had done every day since she was 6. She slept 12 hours a day or barely slept at all. She told her younger brother, months later, that she had thought about "not being here anymore."

My daughter thought about ending her life. Because of marks. Because of the pressure I created. Because she felt she had failed the one thing her parents cared about.

When I eventually learned about this - from a school counsellor who called us in - I felt a terror I have never felt before or since. Not about her marks. About her. About losing her.

If you are a parent reading this and your child is showing signs of distress, please take it seriously. Please:

• iCall: 9152987821
• Vandrevala Foundation: 1860-2662-345 (24/7)

These helplines are not just for emergencies. They are for anyone who needs to talk.

The Turning Point

The school counsellor was direct with us. She said: "Your daughter is not academically weak. She is in the wrong stream, she has been under excessive pressure, and she is showing signs of depression. She needs support, not more coaching."

Those words landed on me like a physical blow. Because I knew, somewhere deep down, that she was right. I had known it since Class 11. I just did not want to admit that my decision was wrong.

We took our daughter to a therapist. We had the hardest conversation of our lives. We apologized. Not a grand, dramatic apology. A quiet one. "We are sorry. We got this wrong. We want to understand what you actually want."

She said: "I want to study Mass Communication. I want to write and create things. I know you think it has no scope. But it is what I want to do."

I wanted to argue. Old habits. But her mother stopped me. And for the first time, I listened.

What Happened Next

She enrolled in a Mass Communication program at a good college. Not a top-tier institution - with 65% in Science, her options were limited. But it was a decent program with practical training.

The change was immediate. She came alive again. She was interested in her coursework. She started a blog. She joined the college media club. She interned at a digital marketing agency in her second year. By her third year, she was freelancing - writing content for companies, managing social media accounts, creating video content.

She graduated. Got a job at a media company within two months. Within three years, she was earning more than most of her cousins who had engineering degrees. More importantly, she was happy. She woke up excited about her work. She called us regularly. She started drawing again.

The daughter I almost lost to my own rigidity was thriving - in a career I had once dismissed as "no scope."

The Mistakes I Made - Honestly Listed

Let me lay them out plainly, so no parent has to guess:

Mistake 1: I Chose Her Stream Based on My Fears, Not Her Strengths

I pushed Science because I was afraid. Afraid she would struggle financially. Afraid of what relatives would think. Afraid that anything other than the "safe" path was a gamble. I projected my fears onto her choices and called it "guidance."

What I should have done: Observed her natural strengths and interests. Talked to career counsellors. Researched the actual career outcomes in her areas of interest. The data on careers in media, communication, and creative fields is strong - I just never bothered to look.

For parents facing this decision now, read this guide on choosing between Science, Commerce, and Arts after Class 10. The information I wish I had had.

Mistake 2: I Compared Her to Every Other Child

Cousins, neighbours' children, classmates - I used every high-performing child as ammunition. "Your cousin got into NIT. Where are you headed?" I thought this would motivate her. All it did was tell her she was not enough.

What I should have done: Compared her only to herself. Celebrated her improvements, however small. Recognized that she and her cousin are different people with different strengths.

The Sharma ji ka beta syndrome is real, and I was a textbook case.

Mistake 3: I Threw Money at the Problem Instead of Understanding It

Coaching, tuitions, extra classes, study material - I spent over ₹3 lakh in two years trying to make Science work for a child who did not want to study Science. Not once did I stop and ask: "Is the problem a lack of coaching, or a lack of fit?"

What I should have done: Invested that money in what she was actually interested in. Writing workshops. Photography classes. Creative programs. The coaching money was not wasted because of the amount - it was wasted because it was spent on the wrong solution.

Read the honest analysis of coaching costs in India before spending.

Mistake 4: I Measured Love Through Marks

I never said "I love you only when you score well." But my actions said it clearly. High marks got praise and celebration. Low marks got lectures and cold shoulders. My daughter learned that my approval was conditional. That is not the lesson any parent should teach.

What I should have done: Separated my love from her academic performance. Completely. Told her regularly that I was proud of her as a person, regardless of marks. Made home feel safe, even when results were bad.

Mistake 5: I Made Her Results About Me

"What will people say?" This was the unspoken question behind every reaction. Her marks were not just her marks - they were my social currency. When she scored poorly, I felt it as a personal failure, and I made her feel responsible for my feelings.

What I should have done: Managed my own ego separately. My daughter's board marks are her business. My social standing is my problem to manage, not hers.

Mistake 6: I Ignored the Warning Signs

She was withdrawn. She had stopped her hobbies. She was sleeping excessively. She was not eating properly. These are textbook signs of depression. I noticed them and dismissed them: "She is just lazy." "She is being dramatic." "Teenagers are like this."

What I should have done: Taken her to a professional at the first sign of prolonged behavioural change. Not waited until a school counsellor had to intervene. My daughter's mental health was more important than any exam, and I failed to see that until it was almost too late.

What I Would Tell Current Parents

If I could sit across from every parent whose child is about to give board exams, here is what I would say:

Your child is not a project. They are a human being with their own mind, their own strengths, and their own path. Your job is to support that path, not engineer it.

Marks do not predict success. I have lived long enough to see toppers struggle and "average" students thrive. The correlation between board marks and life satisfaction is effectively zero.

Your reaction matters more than their result. The marks are already decided by the time you see them. But how you respond determines your child's emotional trajectory for months or years to come. Choose your response carefully. Read our letter to parents on why your child's marks are not their worth.

The stream does not have to be your choice. Your child knows themselves better than you know them - especially by Class 10. Trust their instincts. Support their exploration. The worst career outcome is not low salary - it is spending 40 years in a profession you hate.

Money spent on the wrong thing is not an investment. Before spending on coaching, tuition, or courses, ask your child: "Do you want this? Will this help you?" Their answer matters more than any advertisement.

It is okay to be wrong. I was wrong. Admitting it and changing course was the best thing I ever did as a parent. If you are currently doing something that is hurting your child - even with good intentions - it is not too late to stop.

To My Daughter

I know you might read this someday. I want you to know: I am sorry. Not because of what you achieved despite my mistakes - but because you had to achieve it despite my mistakes. You deserved a parent who listened. I am trying to be that parent now.

You are the bravest person I know. Not because of your marks. Because of your heart.

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A Note About Sharing This

If you are a parent and this resonated with you, consider sharing it in your parent WhatsApp group. Not to criticize other parents. But because somewhere in that group is a parent who is about to make the same mistakes I did. And their child deserves a chance at a different story.

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Frequently Asked Questions

My child wants to take Arts/Humanities and I am worried about their career prospects. Am I wrong to worry?

Your worry is natural. But the career landscape has changed dramatically. Digital marketing, content creation, UX design, psychology, law, public policy, journalism, data analytics with humanities focus - these are all well-paying, growing fields. The key is not the stream but what your child does with it. A passionate, skilled Arts graduate will outperform a disengaged Engineering graduate in the job market. Research the actual career options before dismissing the stream.

I have already pressured my child and now our relationship is strained. How do I fix it?

Start with an honest acknowledgement: "I think I put too much pressure on you, and I am sorry." You do not need a long speech. Those words, sincerely spoken, can begin healing. Then follow with consistent action: show interest in their life beyond academics, stop comparing, and give them space to make age-appropriate decisions. Rebuilding trust takes time, but it starts with a single honest conversation.

My child scored low and I am genuinely struggling to not show disappointment. What should I do?

Feel the disappointment - it is valid. But process it privately (with your partner, a friend, or on your own) before talking to your child. When you go to them, lead with empathy: "How are you feeling about this?" Listen fully before responding. If you need a day to compose yourself, take it. A delayed supportive response is better than an immediate disappointing one.

Is it too late to let my child switch streams if they are already in Class 12?

Switching streams in Class 12 is logistically very difficult. However, many colleges allow students to pursue different fields regardless of their Class 12 stream. A Science student can do a BBA. A Commerce student can study design. Focus on scoring reasonably well in the current stream and explore true interests at the college level. It is a longer path, but it is not a dead end.

I pushed my child into coaching and they are unhappy. Should I pull them out?

Talk to your child first. Some students are unhappy with coaching but still benefiting from it. Others are genuinely suffering. If your child is showing signs of distress - withdrawal, sleep changes, persistent sadness, declining performance despite effort - these are signals to take seriously. Discuss alternatives together: online coaching, self-study with AI tools like Padhaao, or a different coaching centre with a better environment. Pulling out should be your child's decision, supported by you.

How do I handle the judgement from relatives and society about my child's marks or career choice?

This is one of the hardest parts of Indian parenting. The honest answer: you cannot control what others think. But you can control what you prioritize. Your child's mental health and happiness are your responsibility. Relatives' opinions are not. When questioned, a simple "We are happy with our child's choices" said with confidence is enough. The relatives who judge loudest are often the ones struggling most with their own children.